Unsent Letters #1

Swing

Dear Winter,

Look, no offense, but you’ve been acting pretty weird lately. To be honest, I just can’t figure you out these days. A couple weeks ago, we were gearing up for a big snow storm. And today? Well, see that picture up there? Yeah, he was swinging in a short-sleeved shirt in 64-degree weather at 4:30 yesterday afternoon. That’s just not normal for February 3rd around here.

It seems like you can’t make up your mind. Single-digit mornings? Or flip-flop afternoons?

I don’t want you to think I’m asking for sub-zero wind chills and a blizzard that snows us in for days. Because I’m definitely not. I just think that you need to make some decisions. Are we going to have winter or are we going to have spring? The flowers are confused (“Is it time to come up yet?”); the stink bugs are confused (“I think I’m supposed to be hibernating, but instead, I’ll stick around for a while.”); and the kids are confused (“We need more delays.”).

So…no pressure, but I think we’d all feel better if we had a little consistency. If that means 64 degrees until June, I’m okay with that. But please don’t toy with us any more. Thanks.

************

Dear Garbage Men,

First of all, please know that I appreciate all you do. You come on time, every week, and you take the trash far away. So thank you.

But could you please, please, please spend the half-a-second it takes to flip our attached garbage can lid back in place on garbage days when it’s raining? Please? We got the attached lids to make things easier for you. So that’d be really great. Thanks for listening.

***********

Dear Sleep,

I’m sorry. I’m not sure what I’m apologizing for, but I figure I must have done something really wrong because you have run far, far away and don’t seem to want to come back.

I’m desperately tired. Yet I lie in bed tossing and turning for hours because you will not visit me. My bed is comfortable, my pillow is just right, the white noise machine is on. I’ve even tried boring audiobooks and quiet podcasts to lull me into slumber. But no. Just as I’m sure that I’m about to drift off…well, nothing. I just don’t.

Yeah, I know. I could take a Tylenol PM or pretend I have a cold so I could dose up with some NyQuil. But you and I both know that I’d prefer not to rely on those things. Besides, I feel just as groggy the next day when I take them.

What I’d really love is if we could be reunited, you and me. You know how you’re always there for Chad? How he closes his eyes and 5.2 seconds later he’s asleep? I’d like to order that sleep program, please. Because the current system just isn’t working for me.

‘Kay? Great.

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